Excused Lame

Abortion: Refer to as “choice.” Women should always have a right to this.

Anti-Communism: Always couple this term with “hysteria.”

Arms Race: Speak in superior tones about “apes on a treadmill.”

Arts: Should be supported by the government.

Assassin: All corporations have at lease one of these on the payroll.

Bedroom: The governement should stay out of it.

Bush: The worst president in the history of the country. “Chimpy.”

Canada: Threaten to emigrate there when a Republican is elected president. Tell people you pretend you’re Canadian when traveling abroad.

Carter: Our greatest ex-president.

Christian: Hypocrites. Always trying to establish a theocracy.

Clinton: Impeached for lying about sex.

Cold War: Unnecessary. Expensive. Reagan had nothing to do with ending it.

Communism: Has never really been tried. We were in inordinate fear of it.

Constitution: Must be a living document.

Defense: Its budget is always bloated.

Dissent: The highest form of patriotism.

Eisenhower: Lazy. Presided over the conformist 1950’s.

Europeans: Wiser than Americans. When criticizing the US, always preface it with “My European friends ask me…”

Fascism: What the country is threatened with in a Republican administration.

Ford, Gerald: Klutz. “Whip inflation now.”

Fox News: “Don’t you mean ‘Faux Noise?’ Ha! Ha!”

France: The country we ought to emulate.

Global Warming: A settled science. We only have a few years to act. Anyone who doubts it is in the pay of oil companies. Caused by suburban Republicans driving SUVs.

Health Care: A fundamental right.

Hiroshima: Unnecessary war crime. Japan was ready to surrender anyway.

Hoover: The worst president in the history of the country. Did nothing about the Depression.

Iraq: The greatest foreign policy disaster in the nation’s history.

Israel: Has too much sway in Washington. Should be boycotted.

Journalists: If it wasn’t for them, we’d be living in a dictatorship. Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

KKK: See “Republican.” Be sure to refer to “AmeriKKKa.”

Mainstream: The editorial policy of the New York Times.

Mass Transit: Gasoline taxes should be raised to pay for it.

McCarthy: Defined the darkest era in our history. Be sure to say, “Have you no decency, sir?” when mentioning his name.

Media: Preface with “corporate-controlled.”

NASCAR: Let your voice drip with contempt when pronouncing it.

National Anthem: Unsingable. Celebrates bombs and violence. Stay seated while it’s played.

New York Times: The exemplar of a great newspaper.

Nixon: The worst president in the history of the country. Proudly claim you were on his enemies list.

Oil Companies: Gouge the consumer. Earn obscene profits. Bought up all the patents for clean energy and buried them.

Palin: Quitter. Stupid. Creationist. Anti-intellectual. Unqualified.

Patriotism: Always mindless when it’s not jingoistic.

Poor: The Republicans make war on them.

Reagan: The worst president in the history of the country. “Ronald Raygun.” Be sure to mention “Bedtime for Bonzo” when his name comes up.

Republican: The stupid party. The party of greed. Stole the 2000 election. Say “Rethuglican” or “Repiglican” instead.

Right Wing: Always say “reich wing.” Preface with “far” or “extreme.”

Roe v. Wade: Sacrosanct. Always under threat. If it’s repealed, no woman can choose.

Schools: It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the government will have to hold a bake sale to buy bombs.

Second Amendment: Should be repealed. Only applies to militias.

Soldiers: Commit atrocities when they’re not victims of their own government.

Tax Cuts: Only go to the rich. Cost the government money.

Taxes: The price we pay for civilization. The rich do no pay enough of them.

Vietnam: An unwinnable war.

War Crime: Military action by the United States or Israel.

Zionism: When accused of anti-Semitism, always say, “I’m not anti-Semitic, only anti-Zionist.”

Thursday was a very rough day for our household. Poor Titan! I didn’t think that his age, condition, and general aversion to travel boded well for his making it down to Texas and, sadly, he died along the way and not peacefully.

If something good came of this tragedy, it was seeing how well perfect strangers went out of their way to help us in any way they could. When Prudence let me know the air conditioner went out in the car, I called a Honda dealership near Jackson, Mississippi and explained that my wife was traveling with three heavily-coated dogs and no AC. The gentleman I spoke to said to come on in and they could look at the situation.

When Titan began to fail, it seemed like the whole service department mobilized itself to help. A couple of the ladies held Lacey and Silver while Prudence tried to revive Titan. When it was clear that veterinary intervention was necessary, a driver – who was terrified of dogs – drove her and the three Borzoi to a nearby clinic.

At the vet’s, while Prudence and the vet were putting Titan to sleep, two technicians were checking over a nervous and trembling Lacey and Silver to make sure that they themselves weren’t overheated. Apart from the euthanasia and disposal, they waived any further charges.

Meanwhile, the service department was doing everything it could to get Prudence and the girls back on the road. Someone rushed across town to get a needed part and the technicians worked past closing time to get the car repaired. They then delivered the van – chilled to Antarctic temperatures – to the vet’s office so that the sadly depleted party could continue on their way.

Sure, lots of people are rude and unhelpful. But I’ve traveled quite a bit around this great nation – I’ve spent a night in every state but Hawaii – and for the most part I’ve found nothing but kindness, helpfulness and friendliness among my fellow citizens. On Thursday, even in tragedy, we saw a ray of comfort.

Happy Independence Day! The United States: for all its faults, for me the most dear.

And let us not forget one of the grievances in the Declaration of Independence:

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.

Remember, when our multitude of new Czars need the money, you’ll be rich enough.

Silly expatriate Gwyneth Paltrow disses her native country once more:

In a new interview which is sure to irk her best friend Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow has criticised Americans for allowing their Blackberries to interfere with family life.

Hailing her ‘second home’ of Spain for putting family first, Gwyneth complains her native New Yorkers are too concerned with their work to fully immerse themselves in their family.

Her comments come a year after her close friend Madonna admitted she sleeps with her Blackberry beside her.

Gwyneth compared Spanish culture to American during a recent interview she conducted in fluent Spanish.

In a new interview which is sure to irk her American fans, Gwyneth belittles her native country’s 223 years of history compared to the older nation of Spain.

The Oscar winner fell in love with the country when she spent a month living with a family in Talavera de la Reina in central Spain when she was 15.

Speaking in Spanish, she said: ‘When I was 15, I went to a small town outside Talavera de la Reina and I had the most wonderful experience. It really changed my life.

‘Spain became a second home. It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old.

‘Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it’s from 500 B.C., it’s incredible.

Oh the poor United States! It’s only had its stupid Constitution since 1787, while Spain’s historic constitutional monarchy stretches back to 1975.

But wait, there’s more:

‘Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more. They aren’t running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don’t always have their Blackberries on.’

With 18.1% unemployment, of course, many Spaniards have a lot of time to spend with their families. Apart from this, there are other places in the United States besides Los Angeles and New York. In some of them, people actually relax and spend time with their families too. Perhaps she should visit them sometime. But I doubt that Miss Paltrow, the daughter of actress Blythe Danner and director Bruce Paltrow, knows those Americans except as insignificant insects her bodyguards push out of the way for her.

This isn’t the first time that Fishstick has complained to the foreign press that her fellow citizens aren’t to her taste. In 2006 she told a Portugese newspaper that “I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans. I love the English lifestyle. I’m not as capitalistic as America.” She later backtracked, but said, “I always say in America, people live to work and in Europe, people work to live,” revealing more ignorance about anyone outside her select milieu.

Well, at the age of 36, Miss Paltrow is past her shelf life as a Hollywood actress. She’ll have plenty of time to relax in her Iberian paradise. Enjoy yourself, Gwynnie. Don’t call us and we’ll forget about you.

Billy Mays is dead at the age of 50.

A sad and avoidable tragedy:

Seven high-priced show dogs, including one of the top Akitas in the country, are dead after being left by their handler for several hours in a hot van in Jefferson County.

Police say Mary Wild, a 24-year-old woman who was caring for the dogs, left them in a cargo van early Monday and went to bed after returning from a dog show in Iowa.

The dogs likely died of heat stroke, a veterinarian said, although autopsies are pending. The purebreds included three golden retrievers, a dalmation, a Siberian Husky, a Malamute and the top-ranked Akita named Jersey.

“I’ve never seen such a horrific act in my lifetime,” said Dr. Laura Ivan, the veterinarian in House Springs whose office Wild brought the dogs to on Monday. Ivan is now caring for the lone surviving dog. “This was not intentional, but a horrible, tragic accident.”

Wild, who is paid to handle the dogs at shows, did not return repeated phone and email messages from the Post-Dispatch requesting comment. She told police that, after returning from her Iowa road trip, she started to transfer the dogs in kennels into the garage of a home on Kroeck Drive in Arnold. But it was so hot, she later told police, that she instead decided to leave them in their portable kennels in the van.

She told police she put six electric fans in the van to keep the dogs cool. She also left a door open to the van and the van’s windows partly open, said Capt. Ralph Brown of the Jefferson County sheriff’s office. The van was apparently parked in the driveway, Brown said.

She left them in the van about 1 a.m. Monday and went inside the home to sleep. She told police that, three hours later, she went outside to check on the dogs. They were fine, she told police. Then, about 6:30 a.m., all eight dogs were in distress. She found five of the dogs breathing, but not responsive. The other three were clearly in distress, but could at least raise their heads.

She tried reviving the dogs, by hosing them down, then took them to a veterinarian in House Springs. Only one of the eight survived.

I’ve traveled enough with dogs to know never to leave them in a van, even with fans, when it’s hot. Indeed, when we stop for the evening, whatever crates, food and equipment the dogs may need are moved into a comfortable and secure place, most often a motel room. The dogs are then exercised before they’re put up. Only then do we attend to our own needs.

It makes no different how late it is or how tired we are or how safe we may think the situation is, there’s no excuse for not looking after the welfare of the dogs first. Negligence, “an error in judgment, a lack of common sense” in this case, led to tragedy.

Farah Fawcett died today, a long anticipated event after her long illness. The term “icon” is badly overused nowadays, but in her case it’s quite apt.

Much more suddenly, Michael Jackson died this afternoon, apparently from cardiac arrest at the age of 50. I may not be the only one to think that it may have been merciful.

Jackson the musical talent died many years ago; the husk of the mortal form decayed into financial distress and increasingly bizarre appearance and behavior. A “comeback” tour was planned for this summer; it probably would have been pathetic.

We make the mistake of thinking that performers like Judy Garland, Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson were taken from this world too soon. Really, they lived too long. Dead, they are or will be more valuable commodities than if they had survived.

Update: Well, now I’m hearing on CNN speculation that like with Garland and Elvis, pharmaceuticals may have been involved.

Dorothy Nickles, the great and apparently ageless and tireless all-rounder AKC judge, passed away this afternoon at the age of 99.

My lovely bride spoke with her at a show just a couple of years ago. Miss Nickles was complaining that she didn’t have enough judging assignments to keep herself busy. Another time, a fat, loudmouthed steward was complaining that her knees hurt. Dorothy, well into her 90s and having spent all day on her feet, snapped, “Oh, just get them operated on!”

Quite a woman. Quite a life. Try to get some rest, Dorothy.

A plan is being bruited to knock down portions of cities in the Rust Belt:

The government looking at expanding a pioneering scheme in Flint, one of the poorest US cities, which involves razing entire districts and returning the land to nature.

Local politicians believe the city must contract by as much as 40 per cent, concentrating the dwindling population and local services into a more viable area.

The radical experiment is the brainchild of Dan Kildee, treasurer of Genesee County, which includes Flint.

Having outlined his strategy to Barack Obama during the election campaign, Mr Kildee has now been approached by the US government and a group of charities who want him to apply what he has learnt to the rest of the country.

Mr Kildee said he will concentrate on 50 cities, identified in a recent study by the Brookings Institution, an influential Washington think-tank, as potentially needing to shrink substantially to cope with their declining fortunes.

Most are former industrial cities in the “rust belt” of America’s Mid-West and North East. They include Detroit, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Baltimore and Memphis.

In Detroit, shattered by the woes of the US car industry, there are already plans to split it into a collection of small urban centres separated from each other by countryside.

“The real question is not whether these cities shrink – we’re all shrinking – but whether we let it happen in a destructive or sustainable way,” said Mr Kildee. “Decline is a fact of life in Flint. Resisting it is like resisting gravity.”

I lived in Houston in the mid-1980’s when it was devastated by the collapse in oil prices with all the attendant ecomonic problems: high unemployment, negative equity in housing, migration to other cities. Yet the political leadership of the city didn’t give up then and hasn’t given up now. Even with the present recession, driving around I see construction projects, new businesses, commericial vehicles on the roads, trains carrying goods to and fro. The region didn’t give up then and isn’t surrendering now.

Really, if Mr. Kildee wants to raze dilapidated portions of these cities, he could always start with the political classes whose policies have led to their continuing depressed estate.

I came across this lovely site, featuring magazines from years long ago. As I’m a sucker for old articles about the cutting edge of future technology, the ones from Modern Mechanix, Popular Science and Popular Mechanics are a particular delight.

One thing I noticed: they really had a thing for death rays back in the ’30s:

Popular Science, February, 1940

Modern Mechanix, October, 1936

Modern Mechanix, August, 1935

Modern Mechanix, August, 1936

Modern Mechanix, September, 1934

Where else but the New York Times?

Bill O’Reilly’s statements exemplify the zealotry that infects too many in the anti-abortion movement, as well as highlight why President Obama’s call for finding common ground on abortion is so misguided.

I would remind the president that this country already found common ground on abortion in 1973, when the Supreme Court decided Roe v. Wade. That compromise is between the right of individuals to determine their own reproductive destinies and the interests of the state. It is settled law for all but the most determined opponents.

The simple truth that the president must realize is that these zealots don’t want common ground on abortion: they are committed and determined to end reproductive freedom in all its forms.

Deborah J. Glick

New York Assemblywoman, 66th Dist.

New York

Is it not amazing that when Muslim lunatics commit heinous and brutal acts of terrorism all the Goodthinkers tell us not to generalize, Islam is a religion of peace, nothing to worry about here, no siree, but when a domestic white, male lunatic commits a heinous and brutal act of terrorism against a “progressive” symbol, no extrapolation is too tortured for these same Goodthinkers to smear their opponents?

My lovely bride and I are in the process of relocating. I am in our new house near Houston (about which more in the future) while she’s in our old house in Ohio. The work we had to do on the old place is nearly finished, but before we are able put it on the market we had to get the dogs relocated, the reason we’re reluctantly holding two houses right now.

So we were faced with the problem of transporting 20 large, heavily coated Borzoi – plus Talker, the Whippet and Fluffy (God, what a name!), the cat – from Ohio to Texas. Shuttling the dogs down didn’t seem realistic; the best thing, we decided, was to get them all down at once. This, we felt, would be most efficient and less expensive than the alternatives.

We settled on using a horse-transportation company to assist us. They move horses from one end of the country to another; why not our dogs? We made arrangements with one and were led to believe that they would provide an enclosed air-conditioned semi trailer to transport the dogs comfortably. My lovely bride asked for them to come the week of May 25th, most preferably Wednesday the 27th. We also sent them a picture of eleven of the dogs lined up in their crates, to give them an idea of their size.

Our plans were this: The three oldest dogs – Lacey, Silver and Titan – would be staying with my lovely bride in Ohio until the household goods were transported. Titan would be boarded at the vet’s because of his age and poor tolerance for long-distance travel. Lacey and Silver would ride to Texas (their native state) with my lovely bride in the minivan and return with her to Ohio. Stanley, a poor traveler, would also ride in a crate in the minivan. I would be taking Fluffy (God, what a name!) and whatever dog-related items in the (non-air-conditioned) conversion van. The remainder of the dogs would be riding in the (we supposed) air-conditioned trailer.

Three days beforehand, the transportation firm called to tell us that they would be arriving on Monday the 25th. This wouldn’t do from our end, as the vet was coming out that day to inoculate the whole crew of four-legged creatures. They said that they wouldn’t come out on the 27th as we requested and that they would be fulfilling their end of the contract if they came on Monday. My lovely bride, a skilled negotiator, bargained for Tuesday the 26th. Unfortunately, this was also the day that workmen would be coming to remove the asbestos from some of the old ductwork.

On Tuesday, the asbestos-removing workmen and the transportation truck arrived at nearly the same time. To our horror, the transportation firm sent us not the air-conditioned trailer we’d been led to believe we’d be provided but an ordinary goose-neck open-slatted horse trailer, still liberally garnished with old straw and horse manure. The bloody thing wouldn’t fit through our gate and had to be parked in a neighbor’s driveway a hundred yards down the road, requiring us to shuttle the dogs’ wire crates and the dogs down there.

First things first, the house dogs had to be gotten out before the asbestos removal could begin. Then my lovely bride and I slogged away at gradually moving crates and dogs down the road to the trailer and getting them loaded. The driver insisted on balancing the load, so they had to go on the two sides of the trailer. Unfortunately, the trailer was too narrow for any walkway between the crates on one side and those on the other. My lovely bride finally got them all fitted in, but to get to some of the dogs, others would have to be removed and their crates lifted out of the way. Needless to say, we prayed there wouldn’t be any emergencies.

Finally, after six hours on an increasingly hot day, we got underway on our 1200 mile trip. Despite having some 2000 pounds of dogs and their associated crates, the trailer was underweight and bounced badly on an uneven road. Dutch and Ilya, who were riding in the very back, were particularly badly shaken and Dutch had stress diarrhea. At a stop some 100 miles down the road, we found that almost everyone’s water had either sloshed out of their buckets or had dirt and straw floating in it. We had thought that the 50 gallons of water we brought with us would be more than enough, but between the heat, the stress and the ride, the poor dogs were going through it at a prodigious rate.

We got to Memphis at about 11:00 PM. My lovely bride and I got everyone exercised, took Lacey, Silver and Belle to the motel room with us and fell into bed for a couple of hours. At 4:00, we got up and did some rearranging of dogs and equipment to empty out the rear of the trailer to the extent possible. Dutch and Ilya were crated in my van, where they could ride less uncomfortably, and Faith and Belle went with my lovely bride, who now had five dogs with her. At 6:00 AM, we all departed.

The drive from Memphis to Houston, down through Mississippi and through Louisiana, seemed to take forever and the day got hotter and hotter. At a rest stop, we exercised the dogs and soaked everyone to the skin with water from a hose outlet before reloading them. Finally, after 7:00 PM, we arrived at our destination south of Houston. This time, the driver was able to get his rig through the gate and we unloaded the dogs and their crates as quickly as possible into their temporary home, the garage.

Within a couple of hours, Ilya fell very ill. Had not my lovely and very perceptive bride not noticed the symptoms immediately, poor Ilya would have gone past the point of no return. Luckily I had made contact with a vet clinic before the move and even more luckily they had a vet on call. We rushed Ilya to the clinic, where he was very expensively treated for a life-threatening disorder. He’s now convalescing here and, God willing, should make a full recovery.

A terrible, depressing, expensive experience. Never, never will we do anything like this again. But it’s over. The other dogs are settling in well and enjoying their new homestead. Within the month, the household goods (mercifully inanimate), my lovely bride, and the three remaining dogs will make their way down to Stately Hlatky Manor South. And, after seven months, we’ll all be a family again.

That Federal officials responsible for the famous New York fly-over told local officials not to release the information is, I think, typical of what has become a much more prevalent attitude among local, state and Federal governments: one which basically says, “Screw you. We’ll do what we want.” The government increasingly sees the public at best as a source of revenue, more often as a nuisance to be ignored or vilified.

Who’s going to pay for the bailouts and the massive porkulus bill passed by Democrats in Congress? Oh, don’t worry, we’re told. It’ll just be “the rich.” Which reminds me of the Soviet-era joke: a rabbit is caught trying to flee over the border. He’s asked why by border guards. “Because I’ve heard they’re going to castrate all the camels.” The guards scoff, “But you’re a rabbit.” To which the rabbit replies, “Just try telling them different when they say you’re a camel!” So don’t worry: when they come to need the money, you’ll be rich enough.

There’s this story. The District of Columbia is fining people for parking their cars in their driveways, considered privately maintained but publically owned property. Why? The city needs the money. If you want to park your car in your driveway, you have to get a lease from the city.

When the Kelo decision was handed down a few years ago, the New York Times applauded it on the grounds that the city of New London needed the tax revenues from redevelopment more than the owners needed the property.

What’s more, you bastards, how dare you object to having your taxes raised! Have you ever noticed that when a corporation screws up, it’s the result of greed and indifference to the public, but when government screws up, it’s because they don’t have enough of your money? The poor dears!

The old saying about the Habsburg empire was that it was despotism tempered by incompetence. Our glorious radiant future seems to be incompetence compounded by voraciousness.

“The National Collector’s Mint has created a commemorative to honor the first 100 days in office of our historic new President! This non-monetary, specially-commissioned, privately-minted proof is 42 mm in diameter, dwarfing every United States circulating coin ever minted! It’s clad in 71 mg of .999 Pure Silver and proof-struck to produce the frosted images and mirror-like background so treasured by collectors. The obverse features a venerable portrait of President Obama struck over a background of the Stars and Stripes with the words with which He inspired a nation: ‘I won.’ You’ll be amazed at the crispness with which the edges of His teleprompter are captured! The reverse features Air Force One soaring above the Statue of Liberty. The detail is so stunning that you can see New Yorkers fleeing in the streets below! Authorized by the White House Military Office and benefitting the Committee to Re-elect His Oneship, it’s available only from National Collector’s Mint for $19.95. Limit five per purchase. Order now!”