Since I’m more or less conservative politically, it follows that I must not only be stupid but also greedy, hypocritical and committed to theocracy, social injustice and the suppression of wimmin-‘n’-minorities. The truth makes no difference: the narrative has already been written, the matter is settled.

With no good reputation to lose, I will exercise my extensive bastardliness on the subject of handicapped parking spaces. Not that they exist. Not on the people without handicapped placards who park there, who are already going to Hell without my help. And not on those with legitimate disabilities.

No, I’m talking about those with placards who park in handicapped spots who shouldn’t be parking there in the first place. Recently, at the supermarket we parked in a spot near (not in) the handicapped spaces. I waited in the car while my lovely bride went in. In the 20 or so minutes she was in the store, I watched as numerous people – yes, mostly with placarded vehicles – with no obvious disability parked and went into the store.

We’re not talking about the guy with the cane and we’re not talking about the elderly. We’re talking the bright young thing who leaped out and sashayed in. We’re talking about the driver who got out and left the handicapped passenger in the van while she went shopping.

Hey guys, the handicapped spots aren’t for the car, they’re for the handicapped person. Did you “borrow” the placard from your grandmother? You shouldn’t be parking there. Did you once have a disability like a knee replacement but are now recovered? You shouldn’t be parking there. Are you using a handicapped passenger as cover? You shouldn’t be parking there. In fact, I’ll be real mean spirited here and say if you don’t have a wheelchair, walker, cane, crutches, scooter or oxygen cylinder, you shouldn’t be parking there.

And all you morbidly obese folks? If you don’t have an associated heart problem, guess what? You shouldn’t be parking there. Walking will do you some good.